To the War on Drugs
Dear Drug War,
Firstly, I would like to commend you for your continued commitment to the cause despite its inherent hypocrisy. Unlike some causes, you don’t let logic or reason get in the way of your mission.
The religion of science tries to stand in your way with facts and “verifiable observances” that claim marijuana is actually a viable form of medicine. Ha! Luckily, you have the venerable Department of Justice on your side willing to forge ahead and plow through pesky truth. The Department doesn’t need “science” as a crutch to prove anything; riot shields, illegally obtained search warrants, and unannounced raids do the trick just fine.
Thanks also for making a distinction between crack addicts and cocaine dabblers. Crackheads are ethnic, poor, and deserve the ramped up penalties for possession. Wealthy non-ethnic guys enjoy cocaine, so it just wouldn’t make sense to penalize them at the same level. After all, they can employ powerful lawyers, making prosecuting them an expensive endeavor and just no fun at all. You get more bang for your buck by busting poor minority crackheads. Public defenders? Good one, Department of Justice. Thanks to you, prisons have become a vital industry that has created thousands of jobs for deserving Americans.
Oh, and speaking of crack - way to go, CIA! You really stimulated unemployment, crime, murder, and great gangster rap by distributing it in Los Angeles during the ’80s. Without that savvy arrangement you made with the Contras to distribute crack in LA, the poor and minority population might have actually improved their schools, increased their standard of living, and began to approach the middle class. Perish the thought! Good thing you nipped that one in the bud.
Every time I see an old glaucoma patient arrested for possession, or hear about a strung out heroin addict wasting away in prison instead of thriving in rehab, I whisper a private thank you to Nancy Reagan for the War on Drugs.
Now excuse me; I think I can sneak in one more Pinot Grigio before I have to go pick up the kids.
By Erik C.
April 03rd, 2008 | 06:34 am | Rants
9 Responses to “To the War on Drugs”
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April 3rd, 2008 at 8:25 am
Instead of daring to keep my kids off drugs, I’ll dare to educate them about the dangers of some and adult, medicinal use of others.
April 3rd, 2008 at 8:26 am
mrs reagan always reminded me of the crypt keeper. i had forgot she was the MJ-keeper-awayer as well.
April 4th, 2008 at 1:30 am
nice biting social satire. who are you, jonathan swift?
April 4th, 2008 at 1:34 am
goomba like smoke pot. goomba applaud this message.
April 4th, 2008 at 6:38 am
nice. “war on drugs” my ass.
April 15th, 2008 at 8:22 am
Is Nancy Reagan still alive?
April 19th, 2008 at 3:52 am
I hope not.
May 2nd, 2008 at 2:12 am
I like your style. You really can touch on some key points when you use satire. Brilliant!
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