To The Time Change
Dear Daylight Savings Time,
You’re awesome, and you’ve been a great boon to small town ragamuffins and their neighborhood baseball dreams everywhere. Many an Indiana bumpkin has improved his jump shot because you allowed him to stay up a couple hours later shooting hoops on the basket attached to the barn. I like the fact that you give us an extra hour of daylight; it’s just that I don’t think we should stop there. Consider the vampire issue.
An extra hour of daylight? That’s small potatoes. Sure, it may reduce the likelihood of vampire attacks, but if used correctly our time shifting ability could eliminate the undead altogether. Imagine if we added, say, five hours of daylight! Vampires have already adapted to the hour change, but they’re not prepared for five hours. They’d set their alarms to 10 PM like usual, open the coffin, and be instantly destroyed by the blinding sun. You might think they’d wise up to the new changes pretty quickly, but you’d be wrong.
The time changes would be announced during the day, so the vampires would be in the dark (get it?). The first couple days would take care of most of them, especially the young, rash, ravenous ones that have to feed every night and are basically the ones harassing us and giving vampires a bad name. The few lucky ones who survive might wise up, but their numbers would be reduced. And besides, most of those who survive would be the elder statesmen vampires, the ones who barely feed anymore and are given to philosophical ruminations on immortality.
And so I ask: would you rather have vampire reduction or vampire elimination? If you like things the way they are, you hate America and you hate freedom. Because pretty soon, the Nosferatu are gonna wise up to our little hour change.
Daylight Savings Time, I appreciate you, but I see so much wasted potential.
March 07th, 2008 | 08:33 am | Rants
10 Responses to “To The Time Change”
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March 7th, 2008 at 9:04 am
Wow. This brings to light (get it?) so many things I’ve never thought about. hahaha
March 7th, 2008 at 9:15 am
BRILLIANT! Such forward thinking I’ve not seen from you Americans since my arrival.
March 7th, 2008 at 9:23 am
That’s some funny sh*t.
March 7th, 2008 at 9:35 am
Someone should tell that plan to George W!
March 7th, 2008 at 10:34 am
I am a vampire, and I am deeply offended.
March 7th, 2008 at 10:35 am
Sure, curtis. what kind of a vampire name is curtis, anyway?
March 7th, 2008 at 2:33 pm
wow. there is nothing in the world that could have prepared me for that. seriously. nothing.
March 8th, 2008 at 3:38 am
Well, would we have to give any notification to Morning Glories? Who will tell the flowers about the time change?
March 11th, 2008 at 1:31 am
Screw Dubya, do any of the candidates have this on their platform come November?
March 21st, 2008 at 7:27 am
I am reading about this way too late. If only I had heard this last week. Oh well.