To the Night-Stalking Gnome
Dear Night-Stalking Gnome,
I, for one, think you’ve gotten a bad rap. Not that I’ve ever taken The Sun seriously as a source of news, but it doesn’t seem to me that you’re “terrorizing” the people of Argentina. Scaring, perhaps. But unless you’ve got explosives under that pointy hat (or is it a burqa?), I hope our definition of terrorism hasn’t expanded to include the very sight of a strange, nocturnal person.
Don’t get me wrong. I still think there’s a lot you could do to improve your image. That sideways walk, for one. Have you injured yourself? Or are you just walking that way for effect? If the former, I highly encourage you to see a doctor and get that checked out. A sideways-walking gnome on crutches would be a much less fearsome sight. If the latter, you’re bringing this upon yourself.
Second, why night? I like the night too. I do. I prefer it to the day, as I assume you must. However, we instinctively distrust anything nocturnal, everything from vampires to racoons. So unless you’re a vampire or some other creature that would literally die if exposed to sunlight, I suggest you wander around during the day - at least a little bit - so that the villagers can get a good look at you and satisfy themselves that you’re not a vampire. Unless you are a vampire, in which case you have a much bigger problem than your image.
The only caveat to the above would be if you were horribly deformed, because if you are, then perhaps wandering around during the day might cause greater terror than at night. But in that case, I suggest wearing full-body clothing (a burqa, perhaps?) and finding a compassionate soul. Try the circus.
March 14th, 2008 | 02:50 am | Rants
8 Responses to “To the Night-Stalking Gnome”
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March 14th, 2008 at 5:08 am
Excellent analysis, Rant Farm. As always. The thought of a vampire/gnome hybrid is too frightening to dismiss.
March 14th, 2008 at 5:13 am
I would LOVE to see a sideways walking gnome on crutches. Ha!
March 14th, 2008 at 5:20 am
Dude, Tristan, he wouldn’t need to walk sideways if he had crutches. Duh.
March 14th, 2008 at 5:48 am
I’m into gnomes. Especially vampire gnomes. H-O-T!!!
March 14th, 2008 at 5:51 am
Vampires are real! You guys are so dumb! Gnomes are mythilogical
March 14th, 2008 at 7:37 am
lolololol! I am laughing too hard to leave a comment any better than that one.
March 21st, 2008 at 7:27 am
this guy comes to my window nightly. i swear. he’s such a b*tch.
March 31st, 2008 at 7:48 pm
Yeah really, 2041. Its like every day the creepy piano music starts playing and I can’t get him to stop wandering between my window and my porch. I put out some cat food the first time cause i felt bad for the little guy, but now he wont leave me alone! I have to keep the trashcans locked or he gets into them.