To the Hipster with a Mustache


Dear Hipster with a Mustache,
 

Could you shave please?
 

No, I get it: you’re challenging conventional standards of attractiveness with your trucker hat, superhero t-shirt, and moldy jeans. You think you’re unique, I think you’re ugly, but we can agree to disagree. Your mustache, on the other hand, crosses a line.
 

Believe me, I don’t like sharing this bar any more than you do, but as long as we’re here, I feel we should agree to some mutually acceptable standards of hygiene. Your mustache is uneven and bristly and has flecks of things that are clearly not hair, all of which give me cause for concern about my health and safety.
 

It wouldn’t bother me, except you keep stroking your mustache (clearly you’re very proud of it) and then touching the bar, the pool cues and the darts. You may enjoy the little flea circus you’re growing on your face, but I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t share. Some of us don’t consider parasites our friends.
 

But seriously though, could you shave please? I’ll even pay for it. I’ll take you to one of those old-timey barber shops with a spinning red and white pole where a tubby Italian man will lather you up and shave you. Would that be a fair compromise? Yup, he’s even got a single blade!
 

What? Sweeney Who? Never heard of him.
 



January 26th, 2008 | 09:30 am | Rants


4 Responses to “To the Hipster with a Mustache”

  1. Mikaela Says:
    January 26th, 2008 at 9:39 am

    I’m so glad someone has finally come out and said it. I can’t tell you how many times I have thought these very things myself.

  2. Eric Says:
    January 26th, 2008 at 9:44 am

    hahahaha!

  3. doobledooce Says:
    January 26th, 2008 at 9:48 am

    No! Not Barker. That man is dead. It’s Todd, now. Sweeney Todd. And he shall have his revenge…

    Awesomeness.

  4. Jonathan Says:
    April 29th, 2009 at 12:25 am

    I’m sure that to you, there is no better band than Nickelback; no better phrase than, “Your order of curly-fries is ready”; and no better social hangout than the bar at Applbees, but really? A hipster mustache is what bothers you? Even your dated impression of what a hipster is, is tired. So please, stick to insulting things you understand. Make fun of Emo, Carson Daly, and American Idol, because those are the only refferences broad enough for your lame social criticism.

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