To Ryan Seacrest
Dear Ryan Seacrest,
I’ve been a fan for quite some time. Unlike most of your fans, I am not a “super” fan; I’m just a regular fan. I like you, Ryan. I’m not obsessed or anything; I just think you’re a good guy. I’ve been tracking your career since your days on STAR 98.7, when you used to do the afternoon show back when that was a decent radio station. My friend Sarah and I even took a pubescent picture with you at the Dave Matthews concert my sophomore year of high school.
With all that said, my heart grows heavy. Your sexuality remains a complete mystery to me… and the rest of America. Well, except my roommate; there is no doubt in her mind that you are a virile heterosexual male.
I believe her to be wrong.
I think you need to drop the act and admit, no EMBRACE, who you are: a homosexual man. The only reason I say this is because I listen to you. I hear the things that come out of your mouth on the radio and on the television. Let me tell you; they are things that only a gay man would say.
You all too frequently make references to good looking men and how good looking they are. You also seem to have running commentary on men’s clothing. You’re very opinionated about fashion and speak about celebrities’ apparel in a tone that can’t be described as anything but bitchy. (Not that it isn’t relevant, true, or entertaining.)
It’s also come to my attention that you are clearly obsessed with your weight, which is usually a female quality. You’re deathly afraid of becoming fat, when you are obviously a teeny tiny man. You do a toothpaste commercial for Christ’s sake. Also, the whole American Idol thing? You and Simon are like an old married couple, and let me say, you are not the one wearing the pants.
I think the clincher for me occurred several years ago. It was when you were still doing the afternoon radio show on STAR and the topic of Dave Matthews arose. You made this statement:
“I would totally do Dave Matthews. Um… I mean, If he were gay… and I was gay… I mean…”
So, I think you can at the very least accept my confusion. Also, your then on-air partner, Foxy, used to make incessant inferences and gay innuendos about you. Being observant and schooled on the gay community, it was easy for me to pick up on these implications.
Look, if you’re gay Ryan Seacrest… then let us know. Seriously, I will love you all the same. America will love you all the same (as long as they don’t live in the former Confederacy).
By Heather S.
March 26th, 2008 | 03:15 am | Rants
7 Responses to “To Ryan Seacrest”
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March 26th, 2008 at 3:17 am
I don’t know about this… but you do make a compelling case, Rant Farm.
March 27th, 2008 at 1:30 am
Maybe he’s just metro…
March 27th, 2008 at 5:20 am
I’d do Seacrest
March 28th, 2008 at 2:57 am
I’m in the confederacy and I’d still love him. My father, on the other hand, thinks Seacrest is straight and still hates his “streaky-hair-face.” So…
March 29th, 2008 at 6:47 am
Speaking on behalf of the gay community, let’s hope Ryan isn’t. Crushing.
April 1st, 2008 at 4:33 am
wouldn’t surprise me one bit. i’d still watch his shows though. he’s good at his job.
January 15th, 2009 at 2:45 am
Inconceivable!
Laugh out loud. I’d do Seacrest lol