To Old Women Who Will Break Their Hips
Dear Old Women,
We love you. You are our grandmothers and our neighbors. You bake us cookies and tell us pointless stories about the weather. (You can also be batsh*t crazy, but we’ll ignore that for now.) But good lord, could you please start wearing non-slip shoes?
Seriously, ladies, we know your bone density isn’t what it used to be. No, we don’t need an X-ray to tell us that: it’s obvious just by the pharmacy of “supplements” you keep in your kitchen cupboard. Back in your day, they actually thought milk was good for you. (Oops on that, everybody!) So it’s no wonder you’re trying to make up for all the lost nutrition now.
Not that we want to bug you the way you used to bug us. (Did you eat all your broccoli? Did you do your homework? Did you wash behind your ears? Did you bring your granny a present?) But are you taking your calcium supplements? You should be. Seriously. You’re going to fall down eventually, most likely in the shower. (We all know it’s going to happen any day now, and we may or may not have a pool going on the exact date and time.) We’d ask you to stop showering altogether, cause let’s face it: that old person smell is never coming off. But you wouldn’t listen, and when it happens, we’d just really prefer to hear a thud rather than a shatter. And we think you would too.
Listen, we love you. You know we do. We’d just rather visit for your cookies - not because the old lady needs a roll around the block in her brand spanking new wheelchair. We love you, Granny, but God knows, we don’t want you giving us anymore chores.
By Leonard H.
June 10th, 2008 | 02:40 am | Rants
11 Responses to “To Old Women Who Will Break Their Hips”
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June 10th, 2008 at 2:42 am
omfg, this is so true!
June 10th, 2008 at 2:43 am
I’m totally forwarding this to my grandma. I just hope she can figure out how to open up the email!
June 10th, 2008 at 6:25 am
This is awesome. Someone needed to say it.
June 10th, 2008 at 6:26 am
srsly, my nan just broke her hip slipping last week. sucks! this is so true.
June 10th, 2008 at 6:32 am
this isn’t funny, guys.
okay. actually it is! lolz~!!!
June 10th, 2008 at 6:48 am
This is SO true. I feel like I should warn my mom now… before it’s too late!!
June 11th, 2008 at 12:23 am
bone density is a sticky wicket.
June 14th, 2008 at 8:03 am
dude… my grandma totally broke her hip a few years ago. old women and fidel castro cannot be trusted to remain upright after the age of 70.
June 14th, 2008 at 8:14 am
That’s it. I’m officially never getting old. Gonna have to do myself in at 60. It’s all downhill after that.
June 14th, 2008 at 8:15 am
breaking your hip is no joke. but i still laugh at it, ha ha ha.
June 14th, 2008 at 8:17 am
I just laughed out loud at that comment. Good one Kooky.