To My New (Annoying) Step Siblings
Dear Recently Acquired Step Siblings,
Never before have I encountered a group of people so complete in their uselessness.
I accepted your Facebook friend requests in an effort to promote inter-family diplomacy, but every time another one of your self-aggrandizing Status Updates (”Melinda wants to know who else is totally FAB today!?”, “Josh is God’s favorite!”, “Sebastian wants to stab you in the jaw.”) appears on my profile, I want to kill my father for having brought you into my life and your mother for having brought you into existence.
I remember the first time I met you as a group. Having heard from your totally cool mom what great folks you all were, I was actually looking forward to making your acquaintances. There I was, stepping into the living room at your mom’s house when, what’s that I hear? Ahhh yes, of course, a good old fashioned farting contest!
“Maybe they’re drunk?” I thought as I smiled and entered the room - even going so far as to laugh a little, telling myself “Resist the urge to make a face at the smell.” But, oh sweet JESUS, the smell. Thank God you asshats stopped when your mother yelled at you to do so. Of course, the need for yelling was a little weird. I mean, you are all grown adults. “Whatever,” I thought. “Each family has their own culture and inside jokes.” Laugh it off. I couldn’t expect us to have EVERYTHING in common from the beginning, right?
Half way through the evening the denial started wearing off and the anger started setting in: “No, I don’t think women, Asians, or pretty much anyone who’s not a white male is a bad driver.” “No, I don’t think Global Warming is a ‘Liberal Scam’.” “No, I don’t think rich people should have different laws than poor people.” “No, I will NOT take my top off!”
I have known plenty of rich kids who’ve been spoiled beyond psychiatric-intervention, but you three take the cake. Speaking of which, how the hell is it that you are the fruit of the loins of a mother so ridiculously… well… nice, smart and NOT ANYTHING LIKE YOU? Oh yeah: Because she didn’t raise you! She paid someone else to put up with your sh*t.
One more family holiday like the last one, and I might have to do the same. Any takers?
June 24th, 2008 | 02:48 am | Rants
10 Responses to “To My New (Annoying) Step Siblings”
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June 24th, 2008 at 5:54 am
I know EXACTLY what you’re talking about.
June 24th, 2008 at 5:57 am
i particularly enjoy your use of “asshats.” well done, rantfarm!
June 24th, 2008 at 6:16 am
I second you, mumbles. excellent wording
June 24th, 2008 at 7:45 am
My step-sister is a total asshat too. I can’t wait to move out and get away from her forever.
June 25th, 2008 at 8:01 am
This brings back bad memories! My step sister wasn’t allowed to hit me, so she used to tickle me until I literally passed out from not being able to breath.
Rough.
June 28th, 2008 at 1:53 am
At least your step siblings are just annoying. My step brother tried to kill me with a crystal ashtray when we were five and three.
June 28th, 2008 at 2:20 am
That’s nothing, Nicole. My step-brother put me in the trash compactor once. I got that jerk face back though by pushing him out our tree house once.
June 28th, 2008 at 2:22 am
my older step-sister used to pin me down and drool all over me. she would drink lots of soda first so her saliva was all thick, then she’d let it drip down almost to my nose, then slurp it back up. do that a couple times, then finally let it ooze down into my mouth. i don’t talk to her anymore.
June 28th, 2008 at 2:37 am
this reminds me that I have to spend this weekend with my asshat step-family. ugh.
July 2nd, 2008 at 6:48 pm
Communist!