To Late Night Infomercials
Am I the only person in the world who loves you, oh late night infomercial?
Maybe so, but that only makes our clandestine affair all the more passionate.
Though you receive a lot of bad press for being dubious, sensationalistic, and generally unreliable, I don’t care. Those of us who stay up all night and like it know the truth: You are the conqueror of insomnia, champion of the sleep-deprived. You fill the emptiness with great value. You turn the white static into a sales pitch. People call you meaningless; what do they know of meaning?
You are more than just an hour-long commercial for a useless, most likely defective, product. You are a constant friend. I cherish your grainy video footage, your repetitive slogans, and low-grade animations. I stay up until 3am on a work night just to bathe in your consumerist glow. I live to see the contorted face of a D-list actress, as she holds up the latest innovation in wrinkle-reversing wonder serum. Say cheese!
I’m especially in love with 93 year old Jack LaLanne and the infomercial for his name brand juicer: a janky looking apparatus that boasts the ability to devour whole fruits, stems and all, and spit out only the purest apple juice or carrot juice or apple-carrot juice. You know, whatever it is that octogenarians drink when they no longer have teeth.
I like the fact that I can find Jack between channel 80 and 110, every evening after 1 am. He is reliable that way. I adore watching Jack feed bananas, celery, and tomatoes into the plastic chute at the top of his juicer. The contraption rattles like it has tuberculosis before vomiting up a red sludge that Jack’s female lackeys (veritable maidens at age 50, at least compared to Jack) promptly sample and declare delicious and so healthy too! “That’s the power of juice,” as Jack might say.
Apparently Mr. LaLanne once swam through Long Beach Harbor towing a stream of rowboats with his teeth, which is an impressive feat, but not as impressive as his ability to sell the largest, noisiest juicer on the planet for the low, low price of $99.99.
Doctors say that people who suffer from lack of sleep have remarkably poor judgment, which explains the booming industry that is the dismal Jack LaLanne Juicer. I have not as of yet succumbed to buying one. Don’t get me wrong; it’s not that I don’t want one. I do! But like most people who stay up all night, my wallet is as empty as my bed. So instead of achieving my dreams of grape-apple-parsnip juice, I placate myself with another night on the sofa, pissing away the minutes of my life to spend them with you, my beloved late night infomercial.
By Mariana M.
May 03rd, 2008 | 03:16 am | Raves
8 Responses to “To Late Night Infomercials”
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May 3rd, 2008 at 3:44 am
I personally prefer Ron Popeil to Jack LaLanne… but otherwise share your love of the late night infomercial. I don’t know what I would do without my Ronco 5 Tray Food Dehydrator.
May 3rd, 2008 at 3:45 am
Food dehydrator, Lisa? Puh-lease! The solid food injector is where it’s at!
May 3rd, 2008 at 3:48 am
I didn’t want to bring the Snack Master into this, but I see I’m going to have to. Especially seeing as in 1987 it gave 10 year olds everywhere the ability to make their own grilled cheese sandwiches.
Food dehydrators? Juicers? They don’t hold a candle to the Snack Master.
May 3rd, 2008 at 3:54 am
What about the OxyClean guy?!?! He’s the king!!
May 3rd, 2008 at 4:56 am
You guys totally forgot about Tony Little and his exciting new Gazelle exercise machine! He makes, by far, the greatest infomercials.
May 3rd, 2008 at 4:58 am
ummm..guys? what about Chuck freakin Norris and his complete workout system?
May 8th, 2008 at 9:07 am
I’m such an addict for late night informercials…
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