To Horses Regarding Sarah Jessica Parker
Dear Horses,
We know you’re excited about the release of the new Sex and the City movie. (We all are.) And no doubt you’re tickled by all the comparisons between yourselves and Sarah Jessica Parker’s face. (We’ve seen the photos. We understand.) And we hate to be the bearer of bad news, but no matter how large Parker’s teeth are or how long her nose is - you’re never going to marry Mr. Big.
Horses, I know how much this news will hurt. Much like Carrie Bradshaw, you too have probably dreamed of one day having a happy ending. No doubt you’d love a ten-year on-again, off-again romance and a big white wedding to follow, but the sad truth is: Wealthy real estate moguls simply don’t marry horses. Never have, never will. And we know you’ll undoubtedly cling to the make-believe delusion that things might be different just this once - but no, horses, it won’t happen.
Sorry, horses. No, you’ll probably never get to wear $400 pumps. You’ll never be asked to be a guest model in a fashion show. There are no cosmopolitans or gallery openings in your future. On the plus side, you also won’t have to endure bad dates with a spanking fetishist (like non-horse-like Miranda) or a practitioner of tantric celibacy (like non-horse-like Samantha). We know that hardly makes up for not being able to live the high life, but we figured we should be honest, right?
Instead, horses, really all you can look forward to is more of the same. More oat bags, more trotting, and maybe a blue ribbon or two. And a Louis Vuitton bag? Okay, maybe. But only if you’re really, really lucky.
By Leonard H.
June 03rd, 2008 | 06:43 am | Rants
11 Responses to “To Horses Regarding Sarah Jessica Parker”
Leave a Reply
June 3rd, 2008 at 6:58 am
Horses are noble beasts - as is Sarah Jessica Parker!
June 3rd, 2008 at 6:59 am
I’m offended! SJP doesn’t look anything like me! I’m way more handsome!
June 3rd, 2008 at 6:59 am
People have been saying this for years. Old news… funny website though.
June 3rd, 2008 at 7:00 am
I love Carrie Bradshaw! She doesn’t look like a horse! You guys are losers!
June 3rd, 2008 at 7:00 am
Dude, Jessica Alba looks WAAAY more like a horse than Sarah.
June 3rd, 2008 at 7:01 am
this is awesome. she totally looks like a horse!!!
June 3rd, 2008 at 7:02 am
Gawd, I can’t stand Jessica Alba. Horse-face or not, at least Sarah Jessica is nice to the press.
June 4th, 2008 at 4:54 am
This is hilarious.
June 7th, 2008 at 9:33 am
Maybe she’s a Saggitarean…
July 4th, 2008 at 2:34 am
[...] you get the princess and the castle. Never mind that she looks like even more of a horse than Sarah Jessica Parker, we have questions! What if we just want to buy the house? Or on the flipside, if we marry her, [...]
November 19th, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Reputation is what the world thinks a man is; character is what he really is. both seem good on this blog