To Gay Celebrity Weddings
Dear Gay Celebrity Weddings,
Look, we know you’re excited about gay marriages being legal in California and all, but we want you to consider this next stage in your life very, very carefully. We wouldn’t want you to do anything foolish by being rash or impulsive.
See, when Elton John married his pool boy partner David Furnish, they celebrated with pink champagne and Ben & Jerry’s Vanilla and Appley Ever After cake. Can you top that? We didn’t think so. We’d just hate to see this historic political victory get swept under the rug due to a mediocre wedding and humdrum publicity.
We love Ellen as much as the next daytime television fan, but we’re just not sure she has the same cachet as Elton. Remember when she hosted the Oscars? No? Exactly. Make sure she wears something more memorable this time. And please, no hummus at the reception, got it?
Portia de Rossi is hot. We appreciate that. But remember Anne Heche? They were planning to get married too, you know. And whatever happened to her? Yeah, the aliens and daughter-of-God thing. This doesn’t bode well for this marriage. We’d hate to see Ellen have the first gay celebrity divorce too.
Is there another gay celebrity you could line up instead, just to be safe? George Takei?? Are you kidding me? Is that the best you can do? Isn’t he as old as John McCain? He certainly looks it. Has he even done anything since Star Trek? (No, conventions don’t count.) Besides, who’s he dating anyway? Brad who? Never heard of him.
Oh dear, Gay Celebrity Weddings, it’s even worse than we thought. Maybe you should just take some time off. Hit up the Florida keys. Figure out who you are. Then, maybe we can revisit this whole marriage thing.
By Leonard H.
May 24th, 2008 | 04:34 am | Rants
11 Responses to “To Gay Celebrity Weddings”
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May 24th, 2008 at 4:39 am
George Takei is AWESOME! I would love to see pics from his wedding on the cover of People.
May 24th, 2008 at 4:43 am
Forget that. I would love to see George Takei in my bed!
May 24th, 2008 at 4:44 am
I want to see as many celeb weddings as possible!!! I’d especially like to see Kevin Spacey come out and get married!
May 24th, 2008 at 4:44 am
More like Ellen Degenerate! Stop promoting the gay lifestyle!
May 24th, 2008 at 4:45 am
George Takei IS in my bed!
May 24th, 2008 at 4:45 am
Go back to North Carolina, Manny, with the rest of the homophobes.
May 24th, 2008 at 4:46 am
dude, Kevin Spacey should marry that kid from Sixth Sense. i heard they had an affair on the set of “Pay It Forward.” more like “pay it from behind.”
May 24th, 2008 at 4:46 am
Um, I’m actually from West Virginia, thank you very much. Don’t go assuming stuff about me!
May 24th, 2008 at 4:50 am
How about Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell. It’s so obvious girls. come on.
May 31st, 2008 at 7:52 am
I’m getting married in July to a gay celebrity!!!! Wheeeeee!!!
May 31st, 2008 at 7:53 am
stop lying to get attention, Lara.