To Frozen Grapes
Dear Bag of Frozen Grapes,
We have certainly enjoyed a tempestuous relationship, haven’t we?
When I was a kid, my mom totally used you to trick me. I thought I was eating sweets. I mean, you’re sweet, fruity, and frozen - to a young dumb kid, you’re a bite sized Popsicle. But when my mom kept offering me more and more of your tasty bites of icy happiness, I knew something was up.
I demanded to see the box these Popsicles came in. Instead, I got a plastic bag with slits in it. Befuddlement turned to horror as a crushing realization descended upon my tiny body: I was eating healthy, nutritious fruit. I truly, unabashedly hated you.
Hate turned, as is its wont, to apathy. We never really crossed paths in the teenage years. I had new friends, discovered girls. I’m still not sure what you were up to. There was that time I first tried pot, and was desperate for something to eat. I remember feverishly going through Todd’s freezer and - very briefly - pausing on a bag of you. You were red globe seedless, and you were big and gleaming and straining to explode underneath your skin. That could have been the night, frozen grapes, were it not for the box of TGI Friday’s Loaded ‘Tato Skins right beside you.
Maybe this is best, though. I’m in my twenties now, mature, have a steady job, and shop at Whole Foods. In fact, that’s where I picked you up earlier. Organic green table grapes. Seedless, timeless. You’ve been in the freezer for about three hours. I imagine you’re ready by now.
I just hope I am.
March 07th, 2008 | 08:07 am | Raves
9 Responses to “To Frozen Grapes”
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March 7th, 2008 at 9:17 am
lol! my mom used to fool me with this sh*t all the time when I was little too.
March 7th, 2008 at 9:24 am
Hmmmm… frozen grapes…. nature’s treat on hot summer days.
March 7th, 2008 at 10:37 am
Oh man, do I love frozen grapes. The perfect confluence of mother nature and man made excellence. And no, I’m not THE Todd.
March 7th, 2008 at 10:40 am
did you guys know frozen grapes are also awesome projectile weapons?
March 7th, 2008 at 2:31 pm
Beatriz sounds like my kind of girl!
March 8th, 2008 at 4:07 am
Step gently back into this affair, o Ranter. This can be complicated. If you need help, try:
http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Frozen-Grapes
March 11th, 2008 at 1:30 am
Huh. I never knew about frozen grapes when I was a kid. Wish I had. Would have prevented scurvy.
April 4th, 2008 at 8:10 am
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January 27th, 2010 at 9:14 am
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