To Christopher Nolan

This is the single biggest movie event in comic book history so why in blue blazes did you cast the pretty boy from the gay cowboy movie as the Joker?

Heath Ledger will never beat Jack Nicholson’s Joker. Jack’s Joker was an icon! The Joker from Tim Burton’s Batman was a hilarious, wise-cracking crime boss. And people like to talk about acting range. Range? To be quite honest, it looks like Ledger is simply playing himself - like always. Jack Nicholson, to contrast, became the Joker. You see that bone white skin and bright green hair? That deep purple suit? That’s pure, unadulterated acting! There wasn’t a trace of Nicholson in the entire movie.

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To Youth Pastors

Um, please stay away from me. And while you’re at it, please stay away from my siblings, and any children I may ever have, and pretty much every young person everywhere.
 

Believe me, you were creepy enough when I was a youth. The sing-alongs, the earnestness, even the shoulder massages that had to be nonsexual - since premarital sex was an affront to God right? - even though they went pretty low down my back. Weird.
 

And now one of you commits murder? Now, I know it’s not fair to judge all of you based on Joshua Rosa. Yeah, he’s just one bad apple, but why doesn’t this surprise me at all? I’m your age now, in my twenties, and the thought of spending an extended period of time - actually, make that any time at all - with teenagers sounds like hell on a stick. So pardon me if I blanketly assume you’re all pedophiles, because good lord, who actually wants to spend their time with teenagers?
 

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To the Recently Center-Leaning Barack Obama

We’re getting a little worried here. Up until recently, we were totally convinced your subtle shift towards the middle was just an act. A ploy, a ruse if you will, designed to capture some of the hearts and minds of the heartland. We were thinking you simply didn’t want to appear “too black” or “too liberal” - because, for some insane reason, those have become derogatory terms lately. Don’t wanna scare Ed and Martha away. They’ll go see a Will Smith movie in a second but might have second thoughts about a black guy running the country.
 

We were convinced you were one of us. Fed up with the system and pissed at the way the world sees us, but aware that in order to change things you’d have to work from the inside. And that meant playing it cool; gaining their confidence; saying a few things that maybe you didn’t believe just to get a foothold. That’s when the real change would occur, right?

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To the New Yorker

Did you have to? I mean, really. We know you think you’re edgy and all that, but we kind of preferred you to be old and stodgy with pretentious movie reviews and unreadable short stories. We’re not so keen about this American psyche, political zeitgeist nonsense. We like it better when you stick to what you’re good at.
 

You know what we’re talking about: the Obama cover. Man, you don’t think the man is busy enough with damage control? Heck, we’re still getting those crackpot emails, and now he has to defend against you too? Yeah, that’s really hilarious, guys. Hey, next time there’s an anthrax scare, how about sending him an envelope full of flour? That humor seems right up your alley.
 

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