To Happy 9/11 Cards

Where oh where would I be without you?
 

I’ve always relied on the likes of Hallmark and American Greetings to convey my innermost thoughts. Like that card with a cartoon frog that says, “Hope you have a Hoppy Birthday!” That captures the essence of my sentiments better than anything else could. I’ve never been especially eloquent, so greeting cards have always been a beloved shorthand to express my feelings.
 

But there’s always been a gap, a void - maybe even a huge hole in the ground? - in other lines of greeting cards. How can I express my feelings about September 11th?
 

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To Emo Songs

You feel our pain! You do. You know exactly what it’s like being awkward and alone and misunderstood. And unloved by everyone, and knowing deep in our heart of hearts that we’ll never ever find true love - especially since Kristin in science lab checked “No” in response to the “Do you want to go out with me?” note.
 

And now they want to ban you in Russia? God that makes me so sad. All those poor Russian kids who won’t get to feel my pain. How will they cope? Boys won’t be allowed to wear eyeliner or dark mascara. Even black hair dye will be illegal. What about old man hats? Or ill-fitting ties? Well, at least they can still cut themselves in secret.
 

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To Moodstream

Thank you for fine-tuning the art of channel-surfing. No longer will I have to flip through channels at irregular intervals and come across bland content as I normally do so often. With you, every image change is regular, consistent, and I have full control over the content. So let’s up the humorous and down the nostalgic, shall we? Getting stoned with you is almost as much fun as that time I ate pot brownies at the zoo.
 

I never would have thought that there was really much distinction between the moods listed on your Mood Wheel: Simplify, Stabilize, Inspire and Refresh. But there is! There totally is! So I appreciate being able to choose among whichever variation of calm would best suit me at any given time. Before dinner, I like to Stabilize. Before bed, I Simplify. Thank you for understanding.
 

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To Cover Songs

We love you. No, we really do. We love songs, but even more than that, we love old songs rearranged in new ways.
 

Nirvana? Amazing band. Obviously. There’s no debate on that point. (If you want to debate that point in the comments, we accept no liability for the blood that will be shed.) Even better than Nirvana? Nirvana covers! Bring on Paul Anka’s Smells Like Teen Spirit or Sinead O’Connor’s All Apologies. We’ll take them any day. Of course, there’s a special place in Heaven reserved for The Polyphonic Spree’s Lithium, which is probably the best layer of irony upon irony upon chirpy pop song ever. We salute you.
 

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