To MySpace

You killed Friendster. Look, don’t try to deny it, and don’t think we’ve forgotten either. We know. And we’re still sad about it. You come along with your unlimited photo uploads and html customization, and you think you’re all that. But where has that gotten us, MySpace, huh? Where?
 

I’ll tell you where: “Sorry! An unexpected error has occurred.” Unexpected? Really, MySpace? You know we have a hard time believing that it was really so unexpected, since it seems to happen a hundred billion times a day. Maybe it should read: “Doh! A completely expected error has occured.” Look, MySpace, it’s over.
 

9 Comments

To People Who Ride In Golf Carts When They’re Not Playing Golf

Yeah, you think you’re cool, but you’re not. Or more likely, you don’t particularly care what the kids think is cool these days. Or you just wish those kids would get off your damn lawn so you could drive around it in your golf cart.
 

Here’s the thing: as bipedal hominids, we have these things called legs. We walk around on them. It’s worked for millennia of human evolution, so we think it will work fine for you too. But if that doesn’t work for you, we’ve recently invented this other thing. It’s called a wheelchair. So people who don’t have legs or whose legs don’t work can roll around on wheels. Yeah, we guess it’s like roller-skating, if that’s the only other point of reference you have. But the point is, it’s for people who can’t use their legs - not people who are too lazy.
 

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To Christopher Nolan

This is the single biggest movie event in comic book history so why in blue blazes did you cast the pretty boy from the gay cowboy movie as the Joker?

Heath Ledger will never beat Jack Nicholson’s Joker. Jack’s Joker was an icon! The Joker from Tim Burton’s Batman was a hilarious, wise-cracking crime boss. And people like to talk about acting range. Range? To be quite honest, it looks like Ledger is simply playing himself - like always. Jack Nicholson, to contrast, became the Joker. You see that bone white skin and bright green hair? That deep purple suit? That’s pure, unadulterated acting! There wasn’t a trace of Nicholson in the entire movie.

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To Youth Pastors

Um, please stay away from me. And while you’re at it, please stay away from my siblings, and any children I may ever have, and pretty much every young person everywhere.
 

Believe me, you were creepy enough when I was a youth. The sing-alongs, the earnestness, even the shoulder massages that had to be nonsexual - since premarital sex was an affront to God right? - even though they went pretty low down my back. Weird.
 

And now one of you commits murder? Now, I know it’s not fair to judge all of you based on Joshua Rosa. Yeah, he’s just one bad apple, but why doesn’t this surprise me at all? I’m your age now, in my twenties, and the thought of spending an extended period of time - actually, make that any time at all - with teenagers sounds like hell on a stick. So pardon me if I blanketly assume you’re all pedophiles, because good lord, who actually wants to spend their time with teenagers?
 

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