To Happy 9/11 Cards

Where oh where would I be without you?
 

I’ve always relied on the likes of Hallmark and American Greetings to convey my innermost thoughts. Like that card with a cartoon frog that says, “Hope you have a Hoppy Birthday!” That captures the essence of my sentiments better than anything else could. I’ve never been especially eloquent, so greeting cards have always been a beloved shorthand to express my feelings.
 

But there’s always been a gap, a void - maybe even a huge hole in the ground? - in other lines of greeting cards. How can I express my feelings about September 11th?
 

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To Emo Songs

You feel our pain! You do. You know exactly what it’s like being awkward and alone and misunderstood. And unloved by everyone, and knowing deep in our heart of hearts that we’ll never ever find true love - especially since Kristin in science lab checked “No” in response to the “Do you want to go out with me?” note.
 

And now they want to ban you in Russia? God that makes me so sad. All those poor Russian kids who won’t get to feel my pain. How will they cope? Boys won’t be allowed to wear eyeliner or dark mascara. Even black hair dye will be illegal. What about old man hats? Or ill-fitting ties? Well, at least they can still cut themselves in secret.
 

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To MySpace

You killed Friendster. Look, don’t try to deny it, and don’t think we’ve forgotten either. We know. And we’re still sad about it. You come along with your unlimited photo uploads and html customization, and you think you’re all that. But where has that gotten us, MySpace, huh? Where?
 

I’ll tell you where: “Sorry! An unexpected error has occurred.” Unexpected? Really, MySpace? You know we have a hard time believing that it was really so unexpected, since it seems to happen a hundred billion times a day. Maybe it should read: “Doh! A completely expected error has occured.” Look, MySpace, it’s over.
 

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To People Who Ride In Golf Carts When They’re Not Playing Golf

Yeah, you think you’re cool, but you’re not. Or more likely, you don’t particularly care what the kids think is cool these days. Or you just wish those kids would get off your damn lawn so you could drive around it in your golf cart.
 

Here’s the thing: as bipedal hominids, we have these things called legs. We walk around on them. It’s worked for millennia of human evolution, so we think it will work fine for you too. But if that doesn’t work for you, we’ve recently invented this other thing. It’s called a wheelchair. So people who don’t have legs or whose legs don’t work can roll around on wheels. Yeah, we guess it’s like roller-skating, if that’s the only other point of reference you have. But the point is, it’s for people who can’t use their legs - not people who are too lazy.
 

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